Hi, I’m Hammerhead. You probably remember me from the hit film Star Wars, a New Hope where I played a pivotal role in Mos Eisley Cantina. People often ask me, ‘Hammerhead, what do you do when you’re not acting?’
‘Well’, I say, ‘I like cooking’.
And they say, ‘well you should have a cooking show’, and I’m like, ‘that would be really cool’.
‘What else do you like to do?’ the above mentioned people also ask. And without hesitation I say, ‘travel’.
And they are like, ‘you should have a travel show’.
And I’m like, ‘yeah, I’m kind of focussing on writing at the moment’.
And they are like, ‘wow, you should really do a travel blog’.
And I’m like, ‘oh yeah’.
And that’s how I found myself in Cuba.
The thing I like most about Cuba is all the pictures of Supreme Leader they have. Supreme Leader was responsible for fighting the Evil Empire who were planning to ruin Cuba by bringing in cafes, nice restaurants, hotels and thousands of rich foreign tourists, which would have meant all the people of Cuba would have been running around with jobs, and loads of Evil Empire Imperial Credits in their pockets, buying all sorts of stuff they don’t need, like vegetables, Apple 2-MAL personal comlink devices and soap.
I also admire Space Commander Che, of the Movimiento 26 de Julio, who I was told led a pheasant army through the Cuban jungle. I have had the privilege of visiting many interstellar planetary systems occupied by ground living birds and, although they typically eat seeds and some insects, when they senses injustice I would not want to be on the wrong side of them!
Since Supreme Leader and Che established their rebel base on the island, the Evil Empire enlisted the help of the trade federation to blockade the island. So rather than being able to upgrade their landspeeders to models like the X-38s, they are forced to keep their old X-34s going. (Although the high command are permitted to import newer models for themselves – naughty, naughty Supreme Commander’s brother Raul LOL).
We turn now to the superb cuisine of Cuba. Never in the universe have I come across quite the combination of tinned tomatoes, unidentified animal protein and lasagna sheets with a side of 3 pieces of chloroform-rich vegetation, or a vegetable pizza where the only vegetable on the pizza is onion. Absolutely brilliant! Take that Naples, Italy!! And then there’s the melted cheese on bread, how they come up with these things? It just blows my mind. My favourite though was the Cuban Fried Chicken. Which is a bit like Kentucky Fried Chicken, only cheaper and more delicious, you could lick the favour from your hand with that one. By flavour I mean fat and oils which are an essential part of any Hammerhead’s diet. But seriously CFC poops all over KFC, so if the Evil Empire does ever take over your outpost Cuba, stick with you’re own local deep fried chicken and don’t buy the galactic corporation rubbish that it’s better fried chicken if it had the head of some southern white gentlemen with a moustache on in.
You could put pictures of Che on the chicken buckets. But given he liked pheasants so much he may be displeased if he was associated with eating other feathery creatures, and come back as a spooky hologram just as Obi-Wan Kenobe did on the Death Star when he was fighting the Sith Lord Vader. So I heard, I was back at Mos Eisley cantina throwing back a few Gardullas with Boba Fett.
The Cubans enjoy beaches which easily rank in the top 95-97% of beaches in all of the Caribbean. To ensure the Cubans continue to enjoy these beaches, and don’t accidentally get sucked into the hell of the Evil Empire’s nearest outpost, Miami, Supreme Command had the foresight to destroy all escape pods, such as sailing ships and motor boats, from the shores, removing the anxiety all Cubans feel when looking out at the horizon and wondering what evil lies beyond (by the way the boat picture below was for display purposes only). In addition there’s the worry-removing fluid Rum, which is a local form of Gardulla, which incidentally was also the favourite drink of Jabba who ruled a small kingdom of his own which, like Cuba, was also just out of reach of the Evil Empire.
Well there you have it: Cuba. Viva supreme leader. May X-34 landspeeders cruise the streets forever, and may their outpost never be invaded by Starbucks cantinas and post-Marxist/ soviet era economics.
